Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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