I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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