apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
