I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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