We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
