really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
