Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
