so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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