Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize