so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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