I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
