I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
