Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
