I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Randomize
