I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
