Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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