If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
