I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
