i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
