I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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