i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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