When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
