I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
