I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
