Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
