I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize