I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my being single is dangerous.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
