dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You may now shotgun with the bride
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
