First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
