Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
