we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
