I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
