You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
