That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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