i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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