the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
