then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
