When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
