i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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