I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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