apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So apparently I’m into choking now
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
