Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
