4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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