It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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