Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
