i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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