I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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