I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
