Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
