Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
