atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
