i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
