the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
