He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
