I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
