We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
