but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
