So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
