Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
