Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Randomize
